Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Feeling lost

I know, I always say I'm back...and then I never really come back and blog regularly...my last post was in November and I talked about going to school at WSU, I kicked ass and got all A's and I was happy and determined when we went into the winter break. But life has a way of kicking me in the (proverbial) balls and a few weeks into the spring semester I realized I was going to have to make a very hard decision. We were essentially draining our savings account to pay for childcare while I was in class and the situation was becoming dire; so I made the call and withdrew from school.

It's been almost two months since I withdrew and it still feels like a punch to the gut when I think about it. Initially I was in the final planning stages of a super covert operation...aka a surprise birthday party for my Nana...which took all of my focus for a while, but after the family left and I no longer had that to focus on I found myself feeling more and more lost.

I had direction, I had a dream I was working towards...and now...I'm stuck in this weird limbo. I originally had every intention of going back to school in the fall since Parker will be starting kindergarten and I would only have to worry about finding child care for Madelyn, but I have since found out that I may not be able to get my funding back since I only completed 50% of the credits I took the loan out for...apparently I can submit an appeal in May to explain why I had to withdraw and hope that they will provide me funding again, but now that I know I may not be able to go back to school I have this constant knot in my stomach.

I looked into what it would cost for child care if I went back to work in the fall. Prior to transferring to WSU I had always planned on going back to work once Parker started school since it surely would be much cheaper to only have to pay for before and after school care for the older two and only full time care for the baby...boy was I wrong...I checked the pricing for our local child care consortium which is the cheapest in the area and even with the older two in school I would still be paying $2000 a month in childcare...which is what I made when I was working at my last job...I even called several in home daycare providers and their rates are even higher...so now going back to work isn't even an option for me...at least not until Madelyn starts school...

So here I am...stuck...which seems strange considering I've spent a large portion of the last seven years as a stay-at-home mom, this certainly isn't anything new for me. I was always content to be home with my children and I never felt very restless, maybe it's because I caught a glimpse of that future I've always secretly coveted but never thought I could achieve...and now I sit here feeling like a complete and utter failure...which honestly isn't a new feeling, I've spent a large portion of my life feeling that way but I think it's hitting so hard because I put my heart and soul into attaining my dream for once and I was doing so well...I mean...straight A's all while raising three small kids...that was no easy feat but I did it...and now that battle feels meaningless, and I can't even contribute and help ease some of the stress that our financial strain put on my husband because it's pointless for me to get a job due to the cost of child care.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still happy to be home with my kids, even when they are having melt downs because I asked them to put pants on, or because I told them their lunch was cooking (I haven't mastered magically making food appear out of thin air yet)...but I find myself feeling ridiculously restless and bored. There is always something for me to be doing at the house, cleaning, laundry (always the laundry), weeding my flower beds, running errands, etc. but where those things used to keep me busy and keep the boredom away they just aren't cutting it anymore. For four months my mind was constantly engaged and learning and suddenly it's not and I no longer feel content to putter around the house doing mindless tasks and arguing with little humans about why we can't watch The Land Before Time six times a day (because mommy's going to lose her fucking mind, that's why!).

Despite feeling this way I am making sure to enjoy my kiddo's, especially since Parker will be starting school in the fall, and Maddy is almost two so I'm soaking in all of the baby snuggles I can get while she will let me...I guess I'll be finding a hobby (like getting my ass in gear and training for my half marathon in June!), and submitting my appeal in May while hoping against hope that I can get approved for funding and continue my education, because if I can't I'll be crushed...

Sometimes life sucks but I'll find a way to make the best of it...

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

I'm Officially Crazy

I'm officially on the crazy train here people! Jess and I have officially decided to spend the next year training for a marathon...yup, you heard that right...a freaking marathon...26.2 miles of pure insanity...We are going to put our names into the lottery for the Marine Corps Marathon in Washington DC, if we are both drawn, awesome...if not we will register for the Portland Marathon which will be just as awesome!

I know it's been a while since my last post, life gets crazy sometimes so I thought I'd update you! Back in August we went on a two week trip with my parents and in-laws, we headed south down the Oregon coast, we went to the Red Woods, Medford, and Crater Lake. It was a blast and I will gladly do that trip again!


Just after getting back from our two week trip, I started school at Washington State University. I'm pursuing my degree in English Lit and at least twice a week I question what in the hell I'm doing! I'm taking four courses, raising three kids, dealing with two pain in the ass dogs, and one pain in the ass husband <------ I just sang that like the 12 Days of Christmas...

I find myself having to pick and choose what takes priority, and something that has fallen way low has been my housekeeping skills...my house is borderline disgusting...not that it wasn't a mess all of the time prior to starting school, but now it's awful...I have no free time, I spend my time running errands, dealing with the kids, and doing homework...I'm fuggin exhausted!

No, really...I'm so tired...all. the. damn. time. and now I'm looking for part time work to supplement our income, because now we are forking out money for child care that we didn't have to fork out before, and it really hurts...I just keep reminding myself that this is only for the next two years and then I will graduate and be able to get a job...I've considered dropping out and going back to work but it makes me sick to think about giving up on my dream...I feel like when I became a mom I lost what little identity I did have, and for several years I didn't have my own identity at all, I was just Mom. While I love being a mom and wouldn't trade that title for anything, I feel like I got lost in it, and now that I'm finally finding my identity again I feel like it's causing hardship on our family. Poor Josh is stressed all of the time because of how tight finances have become and in a way I feel like it's my fault, ya know?

This isn't an easy path I've chosen to take, but I'm hoping it will be worth it in the end...It has to be worth it...

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

I Work Out!! (sometimes)



Well would you look at that…you’re gonna get a post every day this week cause I do what I want!

I’ve been thinking long and hard about this and I’ve finally decided to cancel my gym membership. I haven’t been going, mostly because the only time of day I can go is after 8pm once the kids are all asleep, and I won’t lie its hard. I hear a lot of people say that you do what you have to do, which I truly believe, but when it comes down to it, I’ve been dealing with my anxiety lately and it honestly keeps me from sleeping. I don’t fall asleep most nights until about midnight, and then I wake up multiple times every night. So needless to say, by the time 8pm rolls around I don’t want to go, I have zero energy. So I’ve decided to start building my collection of weights and stuff at home.

I find I have the most energy at about 11am, so I figure that is the perfect time to get a workout in!

I know I’ve said it before but I hate going shopping…it turns me into a cranky bitch…probably because anytime I go shopping I usually have at least one kid with me…so I’ve been eye balling equipment on Amazon and saving it to my wish list.

I know I definitely want to get some kettlebells, dumbbells, and I would LOVE to have a treadmill but I’m not sure what other equipment I should have. Our house is rather small so I don’t have room for my own squat rack or bench.

I’m hoping that in the next few months I can finally stop having to kennel my dogs up and we can take their crates down, cause those suckers take up a lot of room…room that I could be using for compact workout equipment! But I’m not gonna hold my breath just yet, I don’t see my dogs magically becoming well behaved overnight...



I think I'm going to start with the 15 lb kettlebell and then the adjustable dumbbell as well...luckily the prices aren't terrible so I can buy one every other pay day or so until I have a good collection. I eventually would like to work up to the really big kettlebells as well but we'll start on the smaller side for now.

Does anyone recommend any other must have equipment for at home workouts?

I'm going to be starting 21 Day Fix again (only the workouts, I don't do the nutrition portion) until I can get my weights, and I decided I'm going to create a support group on facebook for whoever would like to join, I find that by having a support group to check in with on a daily basis helps SO MUCH...I can't tell you how many times I started 21 Day Fix and wasn't ever able to complete it, but I joined a facebook group and having people that I had to check in with daily kept me motivated and I successfully completed it with pretty darn good results!




 If anyone wants to join me, I'm going to start Monday May 30th. It's a closed group, meaning that the only people that can see posts are the members, just click on this link: Kaelyn's 21 Day Fix Accountability Group  and you can put in a request to join and I'll approve you. (If you don't have 21 Day Fix you are welcome to still join the group and just report on your daily workouts as well) Also, once you are apart of the group then you can invite anyone else you would like. I'm thinking we will even have a few prize drawings too, how's that sound?

Here's to getting into gear for the summer!! 


Monday, May 23, 2016

21 vs. 31



Well, today’s the day, Madelyn is officially one…well at 3:16pm PST she’s one…let’s not rush this shit too much m’kay?

We had her birthday party on Saturday and I’d say it was a success. She was surrounded and loved on by her family and friends, got great presents, and happily dove into her smash cake…which I then had to wash out of her armpit rolls…All in all a glorious day for our rainbow baby…





With Maddy turning one today it makes me realize that I’m getting old…in three days I’m turning 31…31!!...ugh, I feel like I just turned 21…So I thought it would be fun to compare the difference between 21 and 31…

My 21st Birthday
Almost 31

Obviously the biggest difference (aside from the extra 60 pounds I’m carrying) is the fact that I have three kids…At 21 the only living being I was responsible for, other than myself, was my cat…and lets face it…cats are easy, you just make sure they have food and water and then wait for them to grace you with their presence…

At 21 I showered (and shaved!), and did my hair and makeup every day…

At 31 I’m lucky if I can sneak in a five minute shower and toss my hair into a bun every couple of days…and FYI that five minute shower is usually interrupted at least five different times by Parker, who insists that he needs to know what I’m doing…

At 21 I could pee by myself...

At 31 I always have an audience asking if I'm going pee or poop...

At 21 I slept in until 11am on my days off…

At 31 I’m lucky if I get to sleep until 7am (and wtf is a day off?)…hell I’m lucky if I get to sleep through the night…

At 21 I went out every Wednesday night to sing karaoke with my friends until midnight…

At 31 I go out every Monday night to watch Josh play softball, every Tuesday night to take Olivia to soccer practice, and every Wednesday night to do obedience training with Sherman…

At 21 I could stand on my feet and dance for hours at the clubs with my friends…

At 31 I can dance non-stop for about one song…and only if I’m wearing a pad cause I piddle if I jump…thanks kids…

At 21 I spent my weekends either laying on the couch watching movies, or going out to hang out and drink with my friends…

At 31 my weekends are spent at soccer games, running errands, doing housework, or spending time with the family…

At 21 I watched all sorts of trashy TV while drinking wine…

At 31 I’m forced to watch Mickey Mouse Club House, The Land Before Time, and my husbands assorted reality car shows…I’d like to drink wine while being forced to endure these, but drinking wine at 8am is frowned upon, plus wine almost always gives me a headache now…

At 21 I went to the Mall and Target and bought myself cute clothes all the time…

At 31 I despise going shopping and shop online as much as possible…but not for me…all my yoga pants either have holes in them or have paint on them…I mean, I have some jeans but I only wear those if I have to go out in public…sometimes…usually I wear yoga pants and hoodies though…

I mean if you look at this, it looks like 21 was pretty awesome, and it totally was. I had amazing friends who helped me become more outgoing, and I’ve got awesome memories with them. But I honestly wouldn’t go back, I had very little self-confidence and never stood up for myself, therefore I was in a relationship that lasted way longer than in should have, because I figured that I really was the crappy girlfriend he told me I was, and I just laughed it off when he would get drunk and hit on other girls in front of me…but inside I was dying a little…

31 might come with more stresses…hello bills, bills, and more bills…but I’m a much stronger person, I stand up for myself when I need to, although I’ve been lucky enough to marry a man that always lifts me up and never tears me down…I’ve been blessed with three gorgeous children, who might drive me completely and utterly bonkers most days, but I’d rather have them make me feel psychotic than not have them at all…

So, I might be getting older, and I might not get to go party as much but I'm totally fine with that, I enjoy my crazy wonderful life just as it is...so bring it 31, I'm ready for ya! 

 

Friday, May 20, 2016

Madelyn Ann



In just three short days my youngest turns one. She’s my last baby, my chubby little rainbow baby, and I am so not ready to acknowledge the fact that in three short days she will be considered a toddler. I can remember it like it was yesterday, I spent 23 very long hours in labor with her (the longest of all three of my labors). She quite literally climbed out of my lady parts, I’ll never forget her head coming out and then the midwife saying “wait, what’s happening?!” As Maddy’s little arms burst out with her head…she pretty much delivered herself, and we all had a pretty good laugh about it. I can remember thinking as I was holding her that I was going to cherish every single moment of her as an infant because she would be the last baby I ever had. 


I like to think that I did that. I spent a lot of time holding her and snuggling her when I probably should have been cleaning my messy house. I had every intention of breast feeding her, third times a charm right? Until I decided to save the sanity of not only myself but the rest of my family by switching to formula, for some reason whenever she latched I felt like putting my fist through the wall, not because of pain mind you, I just got this rush of bitchiness that would cascade over me. 

Another thing I had every intention of doing was wearing her constantly, which I did a lot while she was small, I quite often wore her in the Moby wrap while sitting at the computer doing my homework. But by the time she hit six months old she weighed 22 pounds…which, by the way, is what her older sister weighed at a year old…So I had to abandon the constant baby wearing as it is very uncomfortable to wear a 22 pound furnace on your chest…


Since Parker didn’t crawl until he was nine months old, and he didn’t walk until he was fifteen months old, I felt like maybe I had messed up with him so I was determined to make sure Madelyn got plenty of floor time and stimulation…So naturally despite my best efforts she didn’t start crawling until just last month…at this point I don’t care when she walks, as long as she does it before she’s two! 


She may be my third baby but I still had all sorts of new experiences with her (hello pneumonia), and learned quickly that no matter what my intentions, raising children is never going to be perfect. So, instead of freaking out when things didn't happen the way I wanted them to (okay I may have freaked out occasionally), I just went with the flow and made sure to enjoy her cute little self every damn day. But I'm not ready to enjoy having a toddler...not yet...give me a few more days.